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By Craig D. Katzenmiller

Craig Katzenmiller, aka Dusty, has been Permissions Assistant at Upper Room Books for the past year. He has eagerly taken on several additional tasks, such as contributing to the forthcoming A Guide to Prayer for All who Walk with God and posting to Facebook. Craig has an MTS from Lipscomb University and enjoys visiting prisoners on the weekends. He recently learned of his acceptance to a PhD program in Germany. We’ll miss him here at Upper Room Books but wish him all the best in his new adventure.

Glückwunsch! “Congratulations!”

There it was in an official letter from a German university. Glückwunsch! I got in. Faced with this written shout of congratulatory celebration, I felt anything but celebratory. Dozens of “what-ifs” ran through my mind. Anxiety. Worry. Fear. And I was only one word into the letter.

I knew that this “congratulations” was quite literally life changing. To accept this “congratulations” meant facing the daunting task of uprooting my rather comfortable life here in Nashville and traveling to the other side of the world. New setting. New language. New friends.

And that’s scary.

I like my current setting, my current language, and my current friends. The Upper Room, for example, is a wonderful place to work, and my co-workers here in the Book Department have become dear friends. This is just one of the many settings I am nervous to leave. Still, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. So, with much fear and trembling, I have accepted the offer.

But fear and trembling is not the end of the story.

As in so many situations in our lives, that which is at first mired in fear can (often quickly) become settled in peace. Disquiet gives way to calm. Anxiety gives way to excitement. I have experienced this shift in the past weeks.

How has this happened?

I am convinced that it is only through the support of friends and loved-ones. My fear, I have since discerned, was primarily caused by the what-ifs that were running through my head. I didn’t want to leave people in a lurch; moreover, I didn’t want to abandon friends and family.

But I have been blessed by the excitement that others have expressed over my news about Germany. “You’ve gotta go!” has been the common refrain from many people. And their excitement has proven to be contagious. My initial fears have gone away and the anticipation I felt when I submitted by application has returned.

We must never underestimate the power of words. If I may tread dangerously close to cliché, words have the power to build up and the power to destroy. We never know how a single, simple sentence will affect those who hear it. My friends who simply said, “You’ve gotta go!” likely had no idea that they were instilling greatly-needed confidence back into me.

And so it is with the spiritual life. While silence and listening are indeed essential, speaking is also important in our pilgrimage together. With words we can express our deepest longings, and we can also offer advice, as well as correction, to friends who ask for help. We can speak in ways that either build firm foundations for the spiritual life or tear down all the solid spiritual ground on which we stand.

Knowing this, we should resolve to become more attuned to the words we use when we speak to others, making sure always to offer words of support to one another. Like my friends who offered a warm “You’ve gotta go!” to me about Germany, you too can offer words of encouragement to your friends. It might just give them the courage to take the next step in their spiritual lives. Our life together is a pilgrimage that never ends; it simply begins anew each day. Let’s help each other on our journey.

By Anne Trudel

Anne and her dad at his home, December 2011.

As I mentioned in Part 1, for some time I have been agonizing about future plans for my elderly dad. Our discussions have been brief and leave me feeling unsettled. The last time I went to be with him during and after minor surgery, I had prepared myself to address the future head-on.

But somehow, after watching him sign the consent forms for surgery and sedation and being reminded that he shouldn’t make any major decisions that day, I just couldn’t in good conscience bring up the issue of “What do we do now?” Meaning, of course, what plans do we need to make to address the reality in which we find ourselves? As much as I wish, things will not just get better if we do nothing.

In my head I know that I “should” not worry. But my heart tells me otherwise.

I have prayed and asked God to help me discern the best course of action. I have talked to friends in similar situations. And of course, as I always do, I have sought out books for advice and information.

One book that has been especially helpful in this journey is A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents—And Ourselves by Jane Gross (Vintage Books, 2011). I was attracted to the book because Jane Gross is a New York Times journalist and an expert on elder care. She speaks from the experience of finding care for her 85-year-old mother, who was already in assisted living but suddenly was forced by a health crisis to seek alternative arrangements. Gross offers tips for working with siblings to find the best care options for elderly parents, dealing with the maze of Medicaid and Medicare, addressing financial concerns, understanding adult children’s needs and practicing self-care as we care for our parents, and much more.

As I’ve prayed, I have meditated on the following scriptures and readings:

Even before a word is on my tongue,
O LORD, you know it completely.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.”
—Psalm 139: 1-2, 4-5 (NRSV)

“Therefore, I [Jesus] say to you, don’t worry about your life, what you’ll eat or what you’ll drink, or about your body, what you’ll wear. … Look at the birds in the sky. They don’t sow seed or harvest grain or gather crops into barns. Yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth much more than they are? Who among you by worrying can add a single moment to your life? … Therefore, stop worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
—Matthew 6:25-27, 34 (CEB)

“Gracious God, I thank you for the answered prayers in my life, especially …

_________________________________________. Quiet the noises in my soul and let me hear you. Be near to me in this journey. Amen.”
—Missy Buchanan, Aging Faithfully: 28 Days of Prayer

“Life is like a good book. There are countless times when we don’t have the foggiest understanding abut what’s happening. We puzzle over how the characters, the plot, themes, and episodes fit into the story. We read on, trusting that everything will make sense in the end. We believe somehow times of fear, bewilderment, and confusion will change to wonder, grace and revelation when we reach the concluding words. In the meantime, we read on. We simply show up, walk humbly with our God, and anticipate the next chapter of our life’s story.”
—Nell Noonan, Not Alone: Encouragement for Caregivers

In the meantime, I wait and pray for wisdom—sometimes not too patiently.

I also pray for those of you who provide daily care for a loved one and for those who work in senior care facilities. Your job is not easy.

I’ve had glimpses of what it takes to be a full-time caregiver. May God bless you in your caregiving journey.

May you find peace and strength, and may you feel the truth of Galatians 6:9 (CEB): “Let’s not get tired of doing good, because in time we’ll have a harvest if we don’t give up.”

Anne Trudel is associate marketing editor for The Upper Room. She was a project editor in Upper Room Books from 2001–2010 and is still passionate about Upper Room Books, just from a different perspective.

Recommended Reading

Missy Buchanan, Living with Purpose in a Worn-Out Body: Spiritual Encouragement for Older Adults (Upper Room Books, 2008). While this book is written primarily for elderly adults who are in physical or mental decline, it gives adult children understanding of the emotions and daily challenges their parents are experiencing.

Trevor Hudson, The Serenity Prayer: A Simple Prayer to Enrich Your Life (Upper Room Books, 2012). A good resource to help caregivers and others accept the situation they are in, relinquish their burdens to God, and find peace even in the midst of chaos.

Nell E. Noonan, Not Alone: Encouragement for Caregivers (Upper Room Books, 2009). Written by an author who was thrust into the situation of becoming caregiver for her husband, this book of 150 devotions is Bible-based, uplifting and yet realistic about the burdens of caregivers, plus it offers inspirational stories and prayers. I gave this book to a friend caring for her mother, who had Alzheimer’s; she reports that she read it over and over, underlining and highlighting portions of it, and this book got her through many a tough day.

Nell E. Noonan, The Struggles of Caregiving: 28 Days of Prayer (Upper Room Books, 2011). Another book by Noonan that helps caregivers cope with their frustration, questions about faith, guilt, and struggles to find balance.

By Anne Trudel

“How easily we forget that God designed aging! … Once you truly acknowledge that aging is part of God’s plan, you can begin to embrace it as a divine gift.”

—Missy Buchanan, Aging Faithfully

I’m trying to view aging positively, but reality is hitting hard, breathing down my neck, whispering and sometimes shouting, “Your dad is in decline. It’s time to make some decisions now—before his physical decline becomes a full-blown crisis.”

You’ve probably heard the statistics. The fastest-growing segment of the U.S. population is over 85. According to a 2011 study, the number of Americans who provide care for their aging parents has tripled since 1994. Caregiving has become one of the major concerns of our time, with the number of senior baby boomers rising exponentially and the increased longevity of our elderly population.

How do we care for our elderly parents while treating them with dignity and allowing them to have a say in their future?

Anne and her dad in The Upper Room's Agape Garden, summer 2009.

How do we step in when necessary and make tough decisions, becoming almost like parents to our own parents?

How do we manage this transition without losing our sanity?

I’ve been pondering these questions for some time as I think about my 90-year-old dad. Alas, I cannot come up with any simple solutions.

My dad is married, lives 5 hours away from me, and has a wife who suffers from dementia and lives in a nursing home. My stepmother is 94.

As an only child, I feel responsible for my dad’s well-being and long to be closer to him so I can check on him more often. He clings to his independence quite fiercely, still driving and only recently having acquiesced to using a cane. He lives alone in his home.

Over the past decade, we’ve had many conversations about his future. At one point he was ready to move to Nashville so he could be closer to me. But he feels the pull of honoring his marriage vows.

We’ve had several health scares since Dad had quadruple bypass surgery 10 years ago. Each time he’s had surgery, I have taken time off work and traveled to North Carolina to be with him during his hospitalization and to help for a few days afterward. The last time he had general anesthesia, things did not go well, and I had to make temporary arrangements for home health care.

I am blessed and grateful that my stepsister, who lives next door to Daddy, checks in on him daily. Though she has willingly dressed wounds when I’ve had to resume my normal life in Nashville, I realize this is becoming a heavy burden for her.

I have dealt with this increasingly stressful (and guilt-inducing) situation by worrying about it constantly or psychologically distancing myself, neither of which has been a helpful coping mechanism or altered the reality we face.

So many questions plague me. Do I move Daddy to Nashville, and if so, how do I do this without strong-arming him? Does he need to move to assisted living in the facility where my stepmother resides? Would providing in-home care be a better alternative?

I wonder how many of you reading this blog are dealing with similar issues with your parents. What advice have you found helpful? What have you learned from your experiences? Share your thoughts in the Comments section below.

Anne Trudel is associate marketing editor for The Upper Room. She was a project editor in Upper Room Books from 2001–2010 and is still passionate about Upper Room Books, just from a different perspective.

(The rest of this article will be continued in Part 2, which will be posted on Thursday, July 26.)

We at Upper Room Books would like to offer our congratulations to the Rev. Kenneth H. Carter Jr., who was elected bishop of the Southeastern Jurisdictional Conference of The United Methodist Church on July 18. Carter, 54, is superintendent of the Smoky Mountain District in the Western North Carolina Annual (regional) Conference. He was one of five bishops elected by the Southeastern Jurisdiction.

Bishop Carter is the author of Pray for Me: The Power in Praying for Others, published by the Upper Room.